Thanatophobia
by DarkAgea
Summary: Edward goes through an incident no child must - but the twelve-year-old had already sacrificed his childhood when he signed up to join the military, and he must now accept the consequences. A near-death develops a new fear in Edward. (Parental!RoyEd)


**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, and my future doesn't look any luckier in that aspect.**

 **A/N: I may not have been gone that long from the fandom, but it sure seems like that to me. I think it'll take some time before I can write like I used to. But for now, I hope you all enjoy this!**

 **I had this oneshot with me for a month or so, but I wanted to polish it. So, here, I present to you, Thanatophobia! (which will probably include at least one medical inaccuracy. If noticed, please tell me.)**

* * *

 **Thanatophobia**

* * *

It was one of the few days in the Central Headquarters that the Flame and Fullmetal Alchemists were seen together outside the office, actually talking – not fighting or screaming at each other, but civilised _talking_.

Alphonse was helping Riza in the office with simple things; being the kind-hearted person he was, Alphonse loved helping people and feeling useful. Since Roy had completed his paperwork – Riza could assure you it was a rare occurrence – the Lieutenant had decided both alchemists could go and get something to eat while she dealt with the other members in the office.

And so, the two went out together, both in good moods; one pleased because his brother was happy and the other pleased to have escaped his subordinate's wrath.

As they were simply teasing each other, it happened.

None of them had even seen it. One second, and suddenly everything had changed. Edward fell forward, not a sound falling from his lips. A steadily-growing pool of red surrounded him, and Roy could clearly see the bullet wound.

A few more seconds passed as the other soldiers understood what happened, and pandemonium raged. Roy kneeled down to help the younger alchemist in whatever way he could, feeling suddenly confused and afraid, though he managed to hide those emotions well while he commanded the others to find whoever had done that.

Roy was relieved to find the blond was still alive, the bullet having missed his heart by many inches – sniping was a tough task, involving a damn lot of calculations, and that was why precise snipers like Riza were highly valued.

Tending to Edward, the raven-haired colonel saw Maes appearing, and everything after his best friend's arrival was almost a blur to him.

* * *

Twelve years was too young. Roy should have known that, but maturity wasn't measured with age. There were many who had to grow up before their time, and equally many who never grew up even when they grew old.

Things like this were to be expected when one worked in the military. And yet, it was such a shock. It was even worse that the whole of the Central military seemed to be useless.

Nobody. They hadn't caught sight of anybody; all tens of hundreds of soldiers in Headquarters couldn't find _one_ assassin, who had attacked one of their own on their turf. Roy had been the target of many assassination attempts over the years as his popularity grew, but he had never expected the same fate for Fullmetal.

And that was a great oversight _. 'Hero of the People'_ – of course somebody would target the Elric, a well-known young State Alchemist. He should have anticipated something like this would happen one day or another, but somehow it had slipped past his mind. He couldn't blame himself for the events that occurred – that was solely due to the assassin – but it was impossible for him to believe that the thought of Edward going through such an incident had never entered his mind.

It had been one whole day since Edward had been shot, and it was only now that the colonel was able to go to the hospital to find out exactly how the boy was. Edward had woken a few times before, but the nurse had reported he either immediately fell back asleep or just stared into blank space.

There had been an uproar at the military he had to take care of, and Maes was the one to take Edward to the hospital while he handled things. His team knew what happened, Alphonse leaving to see his brother the moment he was told, and Maes had immediately started his investigations on the matter with Roy not needing to ask him to. With Hughes' brilliant mind and the power of the Investigations unit, Roy was sure they would learn of who their mysterious attacker was.

Currently, Alphonse was back at the military, Roy having forced him to go back an hour ago and find something about this… incident. Roy had to constantly promise the younger Elric that _'yes, I will make sure Fullmetal does not exert himself, and as soon as I'm done, yes, I will inform you.'_ It took him a long time to convince Alphonse, but the man knew that Edward might wish to wake up without immediately being fussed over.

But now, Edward was the priority. With the permission of the doctor, Roy entered the room, only to find Edward was asleep. Deciding not to wake up the boy, he sat in the chair near the bed, watching the blond with a critical eye.

Edward certainly looked far less pale than before, and all traces of blood had been cleaned off him. Though Roy couldn't see it through the white thin blanket, he knew the wound must have been cleaned and closed. Overall, Edward looked well on the way to healing from his ordeal. And that was really all Roy needed to know.

Sitting there for a few more minutes, undisturbed by anybody, Roy stood up to leave. He was being extremely careful not to wake the sleeping child, when Edward did it himself. He twisted, grimacing as he said something quickly in a low voice.

Roy paused, watching Edward and not knowing what to do. But the blond then shot up from the bed, only to grit his teeth and press a hand atop his wound. Roy knew Edward wouldn't like having Colonel Bastard watch him in his moment of weakness, and decided to leave, when Edward turned his head and looked right at him.

The two paused, as if time had come to a still, and Roy swore he could feel his heart's beating double. He didn't know anything about how his subordinate might be feeling, other than being in pain, and he didn't know what to say either.

"… Colonel?" Golden eyes met his, and Edward just as quickly looked down.

"Yes?" He replied, taking a step forward. There was something in that tone that was unlike Fullmetal, a hint of fear and terror that did not belong there. It frightened Roy to hear it.

"…" Edward didn't reply, still looking down as if trying to burn a hole in the sheets. Roy would have expected him to complain about being in a hospital, or ask about where Alphonse was, or anything, rather than this silence.

"I'll leave to call Alphonse then," he said evenly, not wanting to keep staying with such awkwardness between them. If Edward would only say something – anything – then he could find some reply and create a conversation. But with this maddening silence, it was impossible for him to do even that.

At his words, fear, actual fear, sparked in Edward's eyes. "Don't leave!" As soon as those words left his mouth, the blond turned his head and faced away from his superior and Roy could _feel_ the waves of embarrassment emanating from the small figure.

There was something more behind those words than a simple fear of being alone. Roy could sense that, but he chose not to prod. With an inaudible sigh, he sat back down, watching Edward without saying a single word. He would let the younger alchemist speak if he wanted, instead of feeling foolish by carrying a one-sided conversation.

"That… that was nothing," Edward said at last, still not facing Roy. "You can l-leave if you want; you don't have to stay and pity me."

Roy stared uncomprehendingly at Edward, asking the first question that came to mind, "Why would I pity you?"

"Because… because nothing," was the reply.

"Fullmetal, could you please be a bit clearer?" Roy asked, still unable to understand whatever Edward meant.

"…"

"Fullmetal," he said with a stern tone. It was one thing to not say anything; it was a completely different one to speak and not make sense.

Still no reply. Though Roy wouldn't admit it, he was getting slightly worried.

"Edward, for the love of-"

"I'm afraid of dying." It was one simple statement, but everything it meant stopped Roy mid-sentence. Edward was looking straight ahead now, his hands still pressed over his wound.

"… What?" That was all Roy could muster, trying to comprehend what had just been said.

"I… I can't stay awake because I keep feeling a target put on my back like somebody is aiming a sniper at me, and any second, I'm going to be shot!" It was said so fast that Roy could barely catch the words spoken, but he understood the gist of it.

"It's pathetic!" Edward's voice was filled with self-loathing, although Roy could catch a slight tremble. "I… I have so much to do… I can't die now…" In contrast to what he had said before, this was spoken slowly but filled with a great deal of emotion. "I have to keep my promise. I can't die…"

The awkwardness was now filled by a sombre air and Roy now found himself wishing for the former. He didn't know what to say, never having been in such a position as to fear death - Roy would face it head-on if it came to him. Of course, everybody feared their own demise, but it seemed to go further than that for Edward. Roy wondered if it was this reveal of his weakness – the revelation that death could be swift, occurring in a single moment – was what made the alchemist's usual stubborn, arrogant demeanour fade.

Roy suddenly understood why the nurses had said Edward would simply stare off into the distance. If what he felt was a constant death warning, it would make sense for him to be out of it.

"I know it's pathetic. I know what I was signing up for when I joined the military. But…" It was spoken as if Edward thought Roy's reply was going to be something on the lines of _'you should have known this would happen'_.

But those were the farthest words from Roy's mind at that moment. Instead, he placed his chin on folded hands, trying to think of something to say. Words haltingly came to him.

"Your fear is neither childish nor pathetic," Roy started off bluntly. "What it is, is understandable. I would be more surprised if you acted like nothing had happened at all and simply shrugged it off-" even though that was what he expected Edward to do. "-because dying is a serious matter, and not to be taken lightly. Your life is not to be taken lightly." Roy hoped he could impose the seriousness of his words on the younger alchemist, who seemed to be intently listening to him. Cursing his sentimentality, Roy reached over and placed a hand on Edward's left shoulder, watching as the boy whirled to face him in surprise.

Roy was almost about to comment on how he hoped this fear would keep Edward out of any hospitals for the rest of his time in the military, but realised how tactless it would sound just before he spoke it. Instead, he drew back and watched the blond calmly.

"Do you want me to go and call Alphonse?" He asked, looking for any slight hints to what the twelve-year-old felt. There was a fair bit of surprise, as well as a sliver of fear, but Edward firmly nodded, looking away from him again.

Roy felt a need to assure the boy that it was going to be alright, and though he wondered where all of this was coming from – he had certainly never felt such instincts before – he spoke aloud, "Don't worry, Edward. Nothing will happen to you." There was a firm promise in his words that made Edward trust his superior, a promise that if something did happen, retribution would be carried out by the Flame Alchemist himself.

As Roy left the room, shutting the door behind him, Edward realised it was the first time he remembered Roy calling him by his first name. Despite the situation, despite the serious talk they had just had, Edward smiled faintly at the thought, closing his eyes and falling back to the hospital bed.

It would take a lot of time, but Edward knew it would be alright. Nothing would stop the Fullmetal Alchemist. Nothing was allowed to stop him.

* * *

 _*FIN*_

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 **A/N: And done! I had been procrastinating on writing and completing this for quite a long time, and now I'm glad I finally finished it! How is it?**

 **To explain the title (for those who haven't already checked it), thanatophobia is a word for death anxiety – the morbid, abnormal, or persistent fear of one's own death. I don't know if what I've written is completely accurate to this, but I wrote this based on my own feelings – some nights, I feel like Edward does but not to such an extent.**

 _Regarding a question posed to me in a review, for anybody who has the same doubt: Hasn't Roy been in a position to fear death, in a battlefield?_

 _The Bonus Episode ("Yet Another Man's Battlefield") shows Roy could have almost died (shot by a friend), but even then, he was against the war for making them kill their countrymen. He's never shown that much of a fear of death - I believe the presence of the people he trusted in helped alleviate death anxiety for him. Not much, because they were still in a battlefield, but enough that he doesn't feel that afraid over his own death, like Edward who does a complete 180 degree after this._

 _But this affects Edward more as he feels he has to put on a strong face for his younger brother and has very few people he can trust at this time (twelve-year-old, joined the military recently, best friend is in a completely different part of the country, knows nobody who has gone through the same experience that he could talk to - not Al, because he wants to appear strong)._


End file.
